STARTING NEW

Hi there,

It’s been awhile (over a year) since my last post and that’s UNACCEPTABLE to say the least. Like many, I’m turning back to writing, this past year has been another roller coaster, grief stricken, heartbreak, and financial set back of a year. If you have read any of my previous post, you know that one of the reason I created this blog in 2019, was to purge my feelings from the loss of my father and build a community of support for individuals who are also be struggling with life issues. That’s what I tend to do this time around and really stick to it!

Writing is healing for me and to be honest the reason why I stopped writing is because I felt insecure with my writing. I’m no grammar expert, the analyst out there have probably found a few errors in these first few paragraphs. However, making errors is how we learn and that’s what I tend to do with this blog. Learn, grow, heal and try to uplift as many people as I can.

So, let’s catch up!

What a bitch Covid-19 has been, right? My family was affected by this virus and sadly, my Granny passed away from it in December. That has been tough. She lived a healthy 83-years to only get taken away from a virus she didn’t sign up for. I’m angry, sad, confused, hurt, and sometimes I feel guilty about her death. Guilty in the sense, did I do the best I could to protect her? Could I have prevented this from happening to her? I can answer those questions now, YES, I did the best I could to protect her & NO, I couldn’t have prevented this from happening. I am a Christian so I know God has a reason for everything and though I don’t understand his plan at times, this was already written to happen and there was nothing I could do to stop that. It hurts so damn bad, but I cannot continue to torture myself with those thoughts. Granny is at peace and I find comfort in that now.

On to the next debacle.

This year I decided to start dating. I mean, I’ve dated in the past; I might even identify myself as a “serial dater” none of the dates turned into anything serious, just a few outings here and there. But, this year I wanted to experience something new. I’m in my 30’s now and most of my best friends are in serious relationships, so I figured why not, lets give it a shot! Well, I met this one man (loser) on a dating app, who’s name will not be said for possible legal issues and because he’s just not worth the publicity. In the beginning, he was prince charming! I mean, said all of the right things, supportive, and had dreams and goals for not only his self but for us. I thought I met my, Boaz! We met, the first date was also, great, I was smitten and so was he, we then transitioned into making things official, perfect, right? WRONG! His true color started to show once in the relationship. He was verbally abusive. I wasn’t working at the time and every chance he got he made sure that I knew that and never supported anything I was doing. He didn’t see the good in me and that made me question myself. I started to feed into the things I didn’t have because he made them so known in our relationship. Thank God it was a short relationship, but what I learned is that he wasn’t happy with himself and where he was in his life and he took his insecurities out on me because he felt as though I was an easy target. All along, I was in a better place and I wasn’t working. He was working a job he absolutely hated which I know didn’t pay much, I looked up the expected pay rate for the position, and it was crumbs for his age.

Don’t get me wrong; I know people have to do what they have to do to make it. However, you set yourself up for judgment when you start to become an asshole to someone who only wants to push you to be the best. I’m thankful that toxic relationship ended when it did. I was settling for less when I knew I deserved better.

Moral for this dumb ass relationship is, know your worth going into it any relationship. Understand what you will put up with and what you won’t. It’s ok to be excited about the possibility of being with a person, but not at the expense of your own mental health.

Always remember, people make time for what they want, they invest in what they want and if you begin to see that you are not holding their attention or they aren’t feeding into you the way you desire, you have to make the decision to leave. You just have to. Trust me, it will save you a lot of heartbreak in the end. It will hurt like hell at first, but you will thank yourself at the end for leaving.

DON’T IGNORE THE RED FLAGS!!

Lastly, I’ve been without steady work for a year now. This year I made the decision to register with a temp agency. So far, the experience has been good. They were able to find me work. Is it my ideal job, no but its something until I find the role that is right for me.

I hope to continue to have more in-depth conversations like thi in future post. I want to be as real and raw as possible, so that we all can learn and grow from one another!

Until next time, friends.